February 17, 2006
Overheard: Business is Like Marriage
Financial analyst: Go into business like you're going into your first marriage -- for the money and with a clear exit strategy.
Posted by Mark at 10:12 PM | Comments (0)
Obsessive-compulsive Valentines
Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and I think I left the iron on.
Posted by Mark at 07:22 PM | Comments (0)
September 27, 2005
I Trust Them. Really. I Do.
What's wrong with this picture?
Posted by Mark at 03:50 PM | Comments (0)
September 07, 2005
God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again
The Onion NAILS IT
Posted by Mark at 12:16 AM | Comments (0)
August 31, 2005
Irony Defined
Posted by Mark at 08:31 PM | Comments (0)
August 19, 2005
More Cowbell
I got a fever. And it's prescription is...
Posted by Mark at 06:01 AM | Comments (0)
August 16, 2005
Taking Our Ball And Going Home
Dear Red States,
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States
Posted by Mark at 06:34 AM | Comments (0)
May 15, 2005
You Know When You're In California When
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember, is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!! Is pot illegal???
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
Posted by Mark at 07:24 PM | Comments (0)
May 13, 2005
Capitalism and Cows - The Enron Update
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM -- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow dropsdead.
FRENCH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon(tm) and market them world-wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION -- You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION -- You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A HINDU CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest thenewsman who reported the numbers.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION -- You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
ENRON CORPORATION -- You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
ARTHUR ANDERSON, LLC -- You have 2 cows. You shred all documents that Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment for consulting the cows, and attest that Enron has 9 cows.
Posted by Mark at 06:54 PM | Comments (0)
May 12, 2005
Donkey Hote
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling....
- - - - -
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Desseret. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up to Mount cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
During the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped: "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "virgin queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that, that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes, He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on the old spinster, which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyway? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do that what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
Posted by Mark at 06:40 PM | Comments (0)
May 06, 2005
Americans Show The World How To Make Money; The Australians Show The World How To Spend It
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
1. P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
2. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
3. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
4. P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
5. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
6. P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Posted by Mark at 10:37 PM | Comments (0)
May 02, 2005
Startling Onlookers By Reaching Almost 14MPH in SD Traffic
Driver Leads Police On High-Speed Chase
A driver who led police on an erratic high-speed chase throughout the county has been taken into custody, 10News reported.
According to 10News, the man's neighbors complained he was playing his music too loud. The neighbors reportedly called police to complain and when the driver was confronted by police, he took off in his 2000 Chevy Silverado, 10News reported.
Officers followed the driver to La Jolla Scenic Drive, where they lost sight of him. The San Diego Police helicopter spotted him driving eastbound on La Jolla Parkway, where the chase ensued.
The driver drove southbound on state Route 163, passed through Balboa Park, got onto northbound Interstate 5 and then exited into Clairemont, where he drove around on surface streets.
After a couple of close calls, the driver got back onto Interstate 5 and headed south. He crossed the Coronado Bay Bridge, made a U-turn, nearly hit a pedestrian and headed back over the bridge onto southbound Interstate 5. From there, he exited onto eastbound state Route 54 where he crashed into a van.
Authorities surrounded the Silverado and then released a K-9 unit on the driver, who surrendered.
Posted by Mark at 07:46 PM | Comments (0)
May 01, 2005
U.N. survey highlights international differences
The United Nations has just finished its most ambitious survey. The question:
"What is your opinion about food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The results were absolutely discouraging.
Argentinians did not understand the meaning of "please."
The Chinese did not understand the meaning of "opinion."
Europeans did not understand the meaning of "shortage."
African, Indians, and Latin Americans did not understand the meaning of "food."
US citizens did not understand the meaning of "the rest of the world."
Posted by Mark at 04:15 PM | Comments (0)
March 18, 2005
It's The Glare From The Spinning Rims
Humvee crashes perplex Army
Fri Mar 18, 6:08 AM ET Top Stories - USATODAY.com
By Gregg Zoroya, USA TODAY
The Army is baffled by a recent spate of vehicle accidents in Iraq - many of them rollovers involving armored Humvees - that have claimed more than a dozen lives this year.
One key concern: Soldiers lack the skills to handle the heavier Humvees and are losing control as they speed through ambush areas before insurgents detonate roadside bombs.
"An individual feels that if he goes faster he can avoid that threat," says Lt. Col. Michael Tarutani, an Army official tracking the accidents. "But now he's exceeded, first, maybe his capabilities, and then maybe the speed for those conditions."
In the past four full months, the numbers of serious vehicle accidents and fatalities in Iraq have more than doubled from the previous four months, records provided by the Army show. In the first 10 weeks of this year, 14 soldiers were killed in accidents involving Humvees or trucks. All but one died in rollovers. If that rate continues, the number of soldiers killed in such accidents this year would be almost double the 39 soldiers killed in 2004. Detailed records involving Marines were not available.
The Army is trying to determine whether the dramatic increase in the number of Humvees in use in Iraq - or an increase in the amount of miles they are being driven - might explain the higher number of accidents. It also is questioning whether the handling and center of gravity in Humvees may have been altered by armor plating bolted on in Iraq or shields added around gun turrets.
Adding to the mystery is that many of the rollover accidents involve the newest generation of factory-produced armored Humvees, vehicles thoroughly tested by the Army and with an even lower center of gravity than those without armor plating.
"The Humvee is one of the most stable vehicles that we have," says Brig. Gen. Patrick O'Reilly, who runs the Army's program to buy and maintain wheeled vehicles. "Where we are right now is in a very intensive effort at studying the accident reports ... so we can understand what the root cause is."
In one accident, two members of the Mississippi National Guard - Spc. Joseph Rahaim, 22, of Laurel, Miss., and Sgt. Timothy Osbey, 34, of Magnolia, Miss. - drowned in 4 feet of water Feb. 16 after their Humvee rolled into a canal near Iskandariyah, Iraq. They were trapped inside, the Army says.
In another case, Army Spc. Robert McNail, 30, of Meridian, Miss., was killed Feb. 11 when the Humvee he was driving collided with another Humvee. McNail, also a Guardsman, was thrown from his vehicle. The Army says he wasn't wearing a seat belt.
"That's a concern for us," says J.T. Coleman, spokesman for the Army Combat Readiness Center, which is examining the accidents. "Already, we have in the works a different restraining system."
The Army also is developing a four-hour supplemental driving course for soldiers, particularly those being sent to Iraq, Tarutani says.
Posted by Mark at 06:30 AM | Comments (0)
March 17, 2005
When Jose Canseco Indicts Others, You've Got To Wonder Who's On Drugs
Listen boys and girls - Canseco is a vago, the whole Grand Jury system is an incredible abuse of the law, and if you want to learn anything from this fiasco, no matter what McGwire did, you don't snitch - be accountable.
McGwire Refuses to Say if He Used Steroids
WASHINGTON - Lined up shoulder to shoulder, some of baseball's biggest stars told Congress Thursday that steroids are a problem for the sport but denied there is widespread use. Mark McGwire, choking back tears at times, repeatedly refused to say if he took the drugs when he was helping fuel a surge in the sport's popularity with his prodigious home runs.
On a day of extraordinary theater, House Government Reform Committee members professed their love of baseball before attacking the sport's new drug policy and warning Congress could get involved if stronger steps aren't taken. Except for admitted steroid user Jose Canseco, the five players repeatedly ducked pointed questions. Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig watched from a few feet away, waiting more than eight hours for his chance to respond.
Canseco — whose best-selling book, "Juiced," drew lawmakers' attention — said anew that he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. Baltimore Orioles teammates Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro said they haven't.
McGwire in the past has denied using steroids but under oath repeatedly declined to respond directly, saying his lawyers advised him not to answer certain questions.
McGwire, peering at lawmakers over reading glasses and his goatee now flecked with gray, was pressed to say whether he had taken performance-enhancing substances or whether he could provide details about use by other players. He responded repeatedly, "I'm not here to talk about the past."
Asked by Rep. Elijah Cummings, D-Md., whether he was asserting his Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate himself, McGwire said: "I'm not here to talk about the past. I'm here to be positive about this subject."
Posted by Mark at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)
Why Product Managers Never Take Vacations
Posted by Mark at 11:08 PM | Comments (0)
Why Product Managers Never Take Vacations
Posted by Mark at 11:08 PM | Comments (0)
March 15, 2005
Next Year, They're All Darwin Award Winners
TOP EIGHT MORONS OF 2004
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik-Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
Posted by Mark at 10:38 PM | Comments (0)
March 14, 2005
The Most Expensive Tea At Starbucks ... And They're Always Out Of It
Sailor Claims Tea To Blame For Failed Drug Test
KGTV TheSanDiegoChannel.com
After failing a drug test, a sailor with 11 years service is in the brig and faces a dishonorable discharge. He says he tested positive for cocaine because of a tea he drank, but the Navy is sticking to its strict policy.
Juan Santa Cruz is a husband, a father and a Navy electrician who is locked up in the brig.
Both he and his wife, Alessandra, say a certain type of tea he drank is to blame for a failed drug test.
Alessandra Santa Cruz said, "(The Navy is) basically destroying our lives because they're not trying to help us with anything after all we've sacrificed for the Navy."
The ordeal began last month when Juan Santa Cruz flew to the Great Lakes for training and was given a random drug test two days after he drank seven cups of mate de coca, or coca tea.
"It's very popular in Peru and Bolivia. They drink this tea all the time," said Alessandra Santa Cruz.
The family was shocked when the drug test results came back barely positive for cocaine.
"He was in shock at first. He called me and I did some reaserch and found the tea was responsible," Alessandra Santa Cruz said.
She sent the tea to the Navy for testing and the results came back negative. Then she took the tea to the San Diego Reference Lab, an independent site used by the FBI (news - web sites).
"In the original (test), we found cocaine, benzylmehtanine, majorityc cocain, and we found essentially 3.2 milligrams per tea bag," said Dr. Joseph Graas, lab director at the San Diego Reference Lab.
The San Diego Reference Lab tests 300 patients per day, but this one was so unsual they decided to do some independent research.
The lab director ordered two types of the tea directly from Peru and gave it to two employees.
According to 10News, the two employees tested positive essentially for a day and a half after drinking one cup of tea. The tea had exactly the same amount of cocaine as the bags supplied by Alessandra Santa Cruz, meaning she couldn't have tampered with it. Still, the Navy refused to do their own retesting.
"If they do the test, they're going to find that the tea is responsible for the cocaine in my husband's system," Alessandra Santa Cruz told 10News.
The sailor's been demoted, his pay cut and he faces a possible dishonorable discharge after 11 years of service.
In a statement, a Navy spokesperson defended the Navy's testing lab and practices. He said Juan Santa Cruz will have a separation hearing on April 11. At that time, if evidence is presented that he did not knowingly violate the Navy's strict drug policy, he will not be discharged.
Posted by Mark at 11:26 PM | Comments (0)